Feb 27, 2026

Your ageing parents

Over the next 30 to 40 years, Australia will face one of the most profound demographic changes in its history — the greying of a large part of the population. Are you ready to look after your ageing parents?

Thanks to modern medicine’s ability to keep us alive, looking after ageing parents has become a very likely scenario for many middle-aged couples. Couples who, we might add, are often also busy raising young children.

If you’ve noticed your parents getting a little wrinklier around the edges, it might be time to have a think about what your future is going to look like. Once your parents are no longer able to look after themselves will they move into a nursing home? Or will they relocate to your family home? If, like many post-GFC retirees their savings have been decimated, who is going to pay the bills that come faster than the years tick by? Are you ready to become part of the sandwich generation?

The sandwich generation

If you are currently raising young children and thinking about the possibility of providing care to an elderly parent you’re about to become part of a generation that finds itself in the unique position of playing caregiver to two vastly different dependants.

This generation has been fondly dubbed the “sandwich generation” — a generation of folk who are simultaneously looking after small children and ageing parents at the same time.

Carol Abaya, the journalist who got the term accepted into the Oxford English and Merriam Webster dictionaries, says it’s not easy to become elderly or a parent to your parents. “Our society says adults should be able to take care of themselves,” explains Carol. “But, as more live well into their 80s and 90s and families are dispersed across the country, everyone is going to be involved somehow, some way, in elder care,” she counters.

Living in

Findings from a 2012 survey, conducted by Just Better Care, show that 31 per cent of people from New South Wales would prefer to quit any job and commitments to provide full-time care for their parents over arranging for them to be cared for in a nursing home.

“I see that as a very positive thing that so many people would want to look after a family member,” says founder and director of Just Better Care, Trish Noakes.

“It’s a significant sign. It’s a huge thing to say, ‘I’ll give up a part of my life’. It’s a lot of commitment for people. It shows that Australia, as a society, is prepared to look after their family members.”

If you’re planning on taking care of your parents in their old age, maintaining some separation will be beneficial for everyone so do make sure you have space to allow your parents their own bedroom and bathroom if possible, ideally on the same level as the kitchen and living room. If you have a granny flat on your property then this is ideal — though perhaps not the outcome any teenage offspring hoping for their independence will be happy about.

If your home has stairs that can’t be avoided, you may need to plan for a stair lift or vertical lift to be installed. You probably won’t need to do this straight away but it is something to think about as it will require additional funds in the not-too-distant future.

Finally — if you have siblings then you may want to consider parent sharing. Aim to have your parents staying with one of your siblings for a month out of each year to give yourself (and your parents) the chance to take a break and enjoy some quality time apart.

The cost of ageing

While Australia may have missed the brunt of the global financial crisis (GFC), one disadvantage that is being felt by older Australians has been the decimation of their retirement savings. Those planned “relaxed and comfortable” years are about to become anything but for many retirees.

Unfortunately, longer lives also aren’t necessarily synonymous with healthy ones and the cost of living for older Australians is rising thanks to expensive medications, hospital stays and the search for suitable accommodation. Children who want their parents’ last years to be comfortable may find themselves footing the bill for more than they bargained for.

If you think you’ll need to be supplementing your ageing parents’ income, or covering the cost of having them live with you, it’s a good idea to budget in the cost of necessary home modifications, medicines and taking leave from your job. You may be eligible for a carers allowance so make sure you check out the criteria on the Department of Human Services website.

Even if you’re not financially responsible for elderly parents, you may still need to take control of their finances at some point. For example, if your parent is really sick in hospital or suddenly dies, you will find it virtually impossible to communicate with their bank, insurance company and superannuation fund if you don’t have a Power of Attorney or Guardianship in place.

“Encourage your parents to update their will and to ensure that they have Enduring Power of Attorney and Guardianship in place while they are still fit and healthy,” says James Gerrard of PSK Financial Services.

“This will ensure that a loved one who understands their wishes will be able to make financial and lifestyle decisions should they be unable to do so for themselves.”

Final arrangements

No matter how old your parents are or how good a life they’ve had, when they pass it’s still going to hurt.

In most cases if your parent dies at home you will need to call your parent’s doctor and a funeral director who will lead you through the next steps. If your parent dies in the night it’s okay to wait until morning before you make the appropriate phone calls. You can use this chance to say your final goodbyes before their doctor arrives to sign a death certificate.

Emotionally, you may not feel so put together. You may feel numb, lost and distracted and unwilling to accept what’s happened. This is all perfectly normal — as is feeling a sense of relief — so try and process the emotions as they occur, cut yourself some slack and find someone to talk to.

Caring for a parent as they age can be a challenge but it can also be immensely rewarding. With a little bit of preparation you may find the memories you make over the last years of your parents’ lives are something you and your children will cherish for a lifetime.

My Son Brought a 45-Year-Old Woman as His Prom Date – When She Saw Me, She Said, 'You Have Five Minutes to Tell Him the Truth, or I Will'

I thought my son was just hiding senior-year jitters in the garage. But when his prom date stepped out of the car, she wasn’t a teenage girl. She was my dead husband's biggest secret.

The kitchen window framed a soft spring evening, the kind of gold light that made the lawn look like something out of a magazine. I stood at the sink with a dish towel in my hand that I had forgotten to use, watching the sky go pink behind the neighbor's maple.

For the first time in months, I let my shoulders drop.

Austin had been quiet all year.

Not sad, exactly. Just somewhere I couldn't reach.

Austin had been quiet all year.

I had told myself it was senior-year jitters. College letters. The weight of being almost-grown.

But it was more than that, and I knew it, even if I refused to name it.

His father had been gone nine years. Long enough that I had stopped flinching at the empty chair, and still I caught myself, some nights, setting the table for three without thinking.

Most nights Austin disappeared into the garage. He was fixing an old motorcycle out there. It didn't run, hadn't run since before his father died.

Most nights Austin disappeared into the garage.

I had told him it was a junker from an uncle, though lately he had stopped repeating the line back to me, and I had stopped offering it.

Footsteps on the stairs pulled me back.

I turned, and there he was, my boy in a charcoal suit, his tie a little crooked.

"Well?" he asked, holding out his arms.

"Come here. Your boutonniere is fighting you. And your tie."

"Jamie tried to fix it after school," he said, glancing down. "Apparently neither of us can knot a Windsor."

"Well?"

"Jamie," I repeated, smiling because he was smiling.

The name slid past me like a dozen other names from a dozen other afternoons.

"A friend," Austin said, and shrugged.

He stepped close and let me pin the flower. Austin smelled like his father's old cologne, the bottle I had left on the dresser and never moved.

"You clean up all right, kid."

"That bad, huh?"

"A friend."

"I said all right. Don't push it."

Austin laughed, and the sound undid something tight in my chest. I hadn't heard him laugh like that since fall.

"So," I said, "do I get a name? Or am I supposed to guess?"

His eyes flicked somewhere past my shoulder. "She's meeting me here."

"Meeting you. Here. That's bold of her."

"Mom."

"What? I promise to be normal. Mostly normal. I have a camera and a will to use it."

"I said all right. Don't push it."

Austin shook his head, smiling at the floor. "Just don't ask a thousand questions, okay?"

"No promises."

"Mom. Please."

"Go wait on the porch. I'll grab the camera."

I picked it up from the counter, looped the strap around my wrist, and followed him outside. I leaned against the porch rail beside my son and waited for a shy girl in a pastel dress.

Then headlights swept the driveway.

"No promises."

The car door opened with a soft click.

I lifted the camera, my finger ready on the button, my smile already in place for the teenage girl I expected.

But the woman who stepped out was not a teenage girl.

She was tall, mid-forties, in a dark dress that fit too well for a high school gym.

Red lipstick.

A small handbag tucked under one arm.

For one stupid second, I thought she had the wrong address.

The woman who stepped out was not a teenage girl.

"Mom," Austin called over his shoulder, "this is Vanessa."

My smile froze.

I knew that face.

Older now, softer around the edges, but unmistakable.

The half-sister of the man I had buried nine years ago. The woman I had cut out of our lives after the will, after the lawyers, after the things she said at the funeral that I could never forgive.

The color drained from Vanessa's face too.

I knew that face.

"It's lovely to finally meet you," she finally said.

Austin held out the flowers, beaming. "You look amazing."

"Thank you, sweetheart."

The word sweetheart landed strangely in my ears. Not flirtatious. Almost maternal. Almost.

I forced my mouth to move. "Austin, honey, why don't you bring Vanessa inside for a minute? It's chilly out here."

"I'm fine on the porch," Vanessa said quickly. "Actually, sweetheart, would you mind grabbing me a glass of water? My throat is a little dry from the drive."

"It's lovely to finally meet you."

"Sure. Mom, you want anything?"

"No," I managed. "Thank you, baby."

Austin disappeared through the screen door. The second the door clicked shut, Vanessa took one step closer.

Her voice dropped to something quieter than a whisper. "He asked me to give you five minutes. After that, he wants me to tell him myself."

The camera dangled from my wrist, knocking against the wood.

"Vanessa," I said, and my voice came out hoarse, "what are you doing here? What is this?"

"He asked me to give you five minutes."

"This is the conversation you've been refusing to have, Margaret. I told him to just ask you. He said you'd lock the deadbolt before I made it up the walk. The corsage was his idea, not mine. He swore it was the only way you wouldn't turn me around at the curb."

"He's seventeen."

"He's been asking questions for months."

I stared at her. "Asking who?"

"Me."

"The corsage was his idea, not mine."

The pit of my stomach went cold. "That isn't possible. I made sure he never saw a single letter you sent. I thought I'd kept you out long enough."

"Well, he found me anyway." She glanced toward the screen door. "He found something of his father's. He reached out in February. We've had coffee four times."

"Four times."

"Yes."

"You had no right."

"I had every right. He's my brother's son."

"He reached out in February. We've had coffee four times."

"Half-brother," I snapped, and instantly hated how small it made me sound.

"You decide how he hears it. From you, or from me at a restaurant after a dance he won't even remember."

The water glass clinked somewhere in the kitchen. Footsteps crossed the hall.

I could hear my son coming back to the door.

My hand tightened on the rail until the wood bit into my palm. Nine years of silence, a will I had won, a man I had loved and never fully grieved, all of it walking up my front steps wearing a corsage.

And I had five minutes to undo it.

Nine years of silence.

I caught Vanessa by the elbow before she could follow Austin inside.

"Side yard. Now."

She didn't resist as I pulled her around the hedge, out of view of the front windows.

"Five minutes?" I hissed. "You show up at my house, on my son's prom night, dressed like that, and you give me five minutes?"

"I gave you nine years," Vanessa said. "You didn't use a single one of them."

"He is seventeen years old."

"He found me in February."

I let go of her elbow. "What did you say?"

"He is seventeen years old."

"He messaged me through an old account. He had questions. About his father. Things he said you wouldn't answer."

"You're lying."

"We've had coffee four times, Margaret. He showed me pictures from the garage. He asked me what my brother was like when he was twenty."

My hand went to the porch rail behind me without my deciding to. I finally knew the truth.

"This prom thing," Vanessa said. "This was his idea. Not mine. He said you'd never make a scene with the neighbors watching. He asked me to come."

"He asked you."

This was his idea. Not mine."

"I almost said no. I drove around the block twice."

I shook my head, and kept shaking it. "The letters. The cards on his birthday."

"I sent them to the house. You know I did."

I did know.

I had taken every one of them out of the mailbox before Austin came home from school. I had put them in a shoebox on the top shelf of my closet, behind the winter sweaters.

I had told myself I would give them to him when he was older.

When he could handle it.

When I could.

"I almost said no."

"You hid them," Vanessa said. "And the letters in the garage, the ones your husband wrote and never sent, with the photos. Austin was replacing the foam in the seat this spring and found an envelope taped inside the compartment. My mother's address in Tulsa was on the back of one. He drove down over spring break, and she gave him my number."

"I was protecting him."

"From what?"

"From a family that tore itself apart over money before he was born. From a father who wasn't the man I told him about. From you."

"You hid them."

"From me." Vanessa almost smiled. "Margaret. He is the one who found me."

I wanted to tell her to get back in her car. The words were already in my mouth.

"You think I came here for leverage," Vanessa said. "You think I want something."

"Don't you?"

"I want him to know who his father was. The real one. Not the statue you built."

"That statue is what got him through losing a dad at eight years old."

"And what's getting him through seventeen?"

"You think I want something."

I didn't answer. I couldn't.

I thought about the garage light burning until two in the morning.

The motorcycle that wasn't running.

The quiet at dinner.

The way he had stopped asking me anything. The names he never brought home.

A boy named Jamie I had heard about for the first time tonight in the same breath as a crooked tie.

"Five minutes," Vanessa said again. "Or I will. Because he asked me to. And because I am tired of being the ghost in your story."

"Five minutes."

The screen door creaked.

Austin stepped out onto the porch with a glass of water in his hand. He looked across the yard and saw the two of us standing there. He wasn't surprised to find us together.

He wasn't afraid. He was waiting.

Minutes later, the three of us sat down inside the living room.

The camera was still on my wrist where I'd looped it on the porch, and Austin's tie, his father's navy tie with the small flaw in the weave, sat crooked at his throat.

I had been carrying both of them around for nine years without looking at either. A story, not a son. That was what I'd been guarding.

He was waiting.

"Your father wasn't who I told you he was," I said. "Not all the way."

Austin didn't flinch. He just waited.

"He and Vanessa had a falling out over money. Promises he didn't keep. After he died, I held on to that grudge. I told myself I was protecting you."

Vanessa didn't interrupt.

"I hid her letters," I said. "I hid a whole side of your family from you. I'm sorry."

Austin reached into his jacket and pulled out a folded envelope, soft at the creases.

"Your father wasn't who I told you he was."

"I found these in the motorcycle. Inside the seat compartment. Letters Dad wrote and never sent. Photos. There was a picture of her at maybe twenty-five, on the steps of some courthouse, with her name on the back. Vanessa. That's how I knew you'd know her. Over spring break I drove to Tulsa and found her mother. She gave me Vanessa's number."

"You've been talking to her all year."

"Since February. I tried to ask you, Mom. Every time, you changed the subject. So I set it up. Jamie is my actual date. He's meeting me at the dance. Kevin's driving me over at eight-thirty."

"I found these in the motorcycle. Inside the seat compartment."

"Jamie," I said. "The one who tried to fix your tie."

"The one who tried to fix my tie."

I nodded, once, because there wasn't time for anything else, and because it was the smallest part of what he was telling me, and the largest.

"You told me she was meeting you here."

"I know. I needed you on the porch with the camera. I didn't tell Vanessa to pretend to be my date. I just told you a date was coming. I knew the second she stepped out of the car, you'd recognize her, and we'd be past the point of running."

"I didn't tell Vanessa to pretend to be my date."

Vanessa finally spoke. "The ultimatum was my idea. I'm sorry it had to be like this."

"It had to be like something," I whispered.

Austin took my hand. "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I just needed you to stop running. From her. From him. From Jamie. From all of it."

"I was scared," I said. "If I told you the truth about him, I'd have to feel it. All of it."

"You can feel it now," Austin said. "I'm here."

Kevin pulled up at the curb at eight-thirty sharp, tie loose, grinning through the window.

"The ultimatum was my idea."

Austin leaned in and kissed my forehead, and there it was again, that same familiar scent from the dresser, the one I had refused to move for nine years.

He went. Vanessa stayed.

We sat on the porch as the light went purple, and after a long quiet, she set her water glass down on the rail.

"He called me Nessa-bird," she said. "From when I was four and tried to jump off the shed roof with a bedsheet. He caught me. Broke his wrist doing it, and told our mother I'd fallen out of the apple tree so I wouldn't get in trouble. He kept that lie for twenty years."